Running from Comparison Part 1

Field days in elementary school were my favorite to get to race people and then I would compare my times with the boys’. I started running track when I was in 7^th grade I enjoyed the 800 as well as the medley relay, running the 400 leg. I also ran the 100 and 200-meter hurdles. I thought I was all that. When I got to high school, I played volleyball during my freshman year instead of running cross-country. I loved playing volleyball, but the season was frustrating. Basketball was my favorite in high school. But every spring I loved starting track and getting to race. My freshman year I started running the 4x800, 300 hurdles, and the 4x400. I had experienced some success in the hurdles until we went to a bigger meet and I got 5^th and realized maybe they weren’t for me. So, before the league meet, I started running the 800. I qualified for state in the 4x800, 800, and 4x400. The state meet was hot and I was not hydrated whatsoever. We ran prelims in the 4x400 on Friday but didn’t qualify for finals. Then, that night my legs got achey, and my dad was not the happiest when he found out how little water I had drank that day (he was my high school track coach). I went on the next day to compete and we got 7^th I think in the 4x800 and I got 9^th in the 800 just missing the medal stand. I was a devasted freshman girl. I decided to run cross country my sophomore year and then stuck with it through the rest of high school, still playing basketball and running track as well. I didn’t really like cross country. I got burnt out by the end of each season, and I think some of this was due to other variables in my life at the time. I told people I ran because I was good at it, not because I loved it. I liked track a lot better. Fast forward to my Senior year when I was trying to figure out what I was going to do after high school I told my sister that I would NEVER run cross country in college and if I played a sport in college, it would be basketball. People told me never say never but I was set on this. My plan was to go to cosmetology school. I was going to visit one in the spring, but over spring break covid hit. Now I lost my Senior track season and basically the rest of my Senior year of high school. I had visited Tabor my Senior year and met with the basketball coach, but didn’t attend in the fall. I didn’t visit a cosmetology school until mid-June and after I visited realized that it was not the school for me. I began to think about what I could do and landed on just working as a receptionist at a dental office, and then was babysitting as well. I didn’t have many close friends at the time and wasn’t enjoying my job either. In January I had started taking classes at a community college while living at home and working the same job. I had been recruited by a Tabor cross country coach my Junior year of high school but had told him I didn’t want to run in college and he left me alone. So, in February of 2021, while I was frustrated and discouraged about life, I reached out to the Tabor Track coach (the one who had recruited me) and asked if he would still let me come and run. My parameters for going there were that I didn’t have to do cross country and that I could just run track and he agreed. I took until May to finally decide that I would go in the fall. I hadn’t participated in a sport since March of 2020 and was not in shape at all during the time off I had.

I moved in in August and started track practice two weeks later, but before then I became friends with one of the girls on the cross-country team, Dani, this friendship was such an answer to prayer. My roommate was on the cross team as well. I went to cheer on my friends at their first cross country meet and realized I wanted to be competing as well. I had a conversation with the cross-country coach the following week and he said I could join. Things were going well until I had a slight injury, and the last two races of the season were not good. I had some time off and began training for indoor track, something I had never experienced. The season was fun but had its frustrations. Then, outdoor track started and I had high hopes for what I would run the 800 in. It was really discouraging as I was running more miles than I ever had per week in my life and yet I wasn’t seeing an improved time from high school. I struggled to compare myself to a teammate who was beating me, but in high school I never lost to her. I was happy for the season to be over. Summer training that summer was ROUGH. My mom listened to complaint after complaint about me not wanting to run. But, I stuck with it and got the running done. But, towards the end of the summer I began to think about cosmetology school and wanting to make money quicker (instead of paying for the last years of my college degree) I could start work faster doing cosmetology school, along with other factors that were playing a part in my thinking. I reached out to a different school than I had in 2020 and visited it just before moving back into Tabor. I really liked the school and they told me I could come and shadow for a time. I moved back in and in my individual meeting with my coach, I broke the news that I was thinking about this to him. This was the first of many conversations that year that I would spend in his office processing my life choices.

The cross season was going well. We had a good team, we were fit, we were running PR’s and hoping to qualify for nationals, but all the while I was trying to leave at semester but deep down knowing that wasn’t the right decision. Running my own personal bests, I wasn’t satisfied and instead I was frustrated because my teammates were beating me and running faster than I was. Why couldn’t I be the fastest? Why couldn’t I be the one getting recognized? There were several workouts where tears were shed. I remember one specific workout where my coach legit told my teammates to let me win the rep, but I was going to slow so I think they still passed me haha. My head space was not well, but a lot of other factors than just running were involved in this. I think running helped my head space, but I was being so self-consumed. I also allowed a lot of factors to affect and ruin my relationship with Dani, who had been my best friend. Dani and I qualified as individuals for the national meet which was super exciting and the experience at nationals was amazing. It was also beneficial for Dani and I’s relationship.

After several conversations with my parents, teammates, siblings, and Rylan, I decided to stay at Tabor and finish my degree, but I would take summer classes to finish a semester early. Little did I know at the time, this decision to stay would impact my life so greatly. God provided an extra scholarship to help with the finances and I went back in January. To qualify for track nationals, you must run a certain time to hit a standard that can be hit at any point during the season. Dani and I had missed the 5k standard by several seconds early in the season, and then at the conference meet, we were entered in the 5k again. I fell off the pack while Dani absolutely crushed the race, hitting the national standard. I was devastated and frustrated. I forgot about the awards for the top 8 finishers and went outside while that was happening even though I should’ve been up there, #1 to be recognized and #2 to cheer on Dani who had just broken a school record, hit a qualifying standard, and ran a huge PR. I was so self-consumed. It was miserable. I was miserable and I was making the people around me miserable. I often showed up to practice mad and showed it on my face so everyone knew. I didn’t laugh very often at all. I’m not sure how I had any friends and not sure how Rylan didn’t kick me off the team. My attitude was that bad. There would be days that I would drop my teammates to run by myself because I was mad. Selfish was an understatement. Later I ran the 1000 meter and was like .6 seconds off the standard. Devasted again. Then, Dani proceeded to crush it once again in the mile and hit the national standard. I had one last meet to qualify for the national meet. Rylan entered Dani and I both in the 1k. I had beaten Dani in the 1k earlier in the year, Dani beat me at this meet, but we both qualified for nationals! I was frustrated because I wanted to have my own event where she wouldn’t beat me, instead of being excited about getting to compete with a teammate. So, we went to South Dakota and ran prelims in the 1k. Dani qualified for finals and was All-American. I didn’t make finals, which I thought meant I had run my final indoor track race because I was planning to graduate in December the following year and wouldn’t compete in indoor track. I was happy for Dani and was trying to be excited for her, but on the inside was frustrated and self-consumed. I felt like I would never be the best or have the most success on the team and that my accomplishments would always be overshadowed by hers.

As the meet was finishing Rylan told me he thought I should come back to use my track eligibility the following year. My parents had already mentioned this, and I can’t say it wasn’t in the back of my mind. I was enjoying competing and even if I didn’t admit it, I loved running. We started the outdoor season where I tried the 3000-meter steeple chase for the first time. I enjoyed running the steeple chase and it was nice to have an event where it was just me from my team. I raced other events though and Dani was beating me. She was killing it and I had the opportunity to be an encouraging and supportive teammate, but instead I spent it dwelling on myself and throwing pity parties. Not small pity parties, big ones. Dani had hit the national standard in the 5k early in the outdoor season, but I had not been as fortunate. I was still struggling to compare myself and there were some other life circumstances going on in my life. We had a speed workout one day that I was excited for because we had 2 or 3 100 meter reps within the workout, but as the workout progressed I was just getting dropped by Dani and as I was running one of the 100 meter reps I had tears in my eyes. I was so frustrated and so miserable, but it was my own fault because I just compared myself to her and instead of trying to work with her to better both of us, I just fought it and always wanted to be better than her. The workout finally ended and I went straight to the bathroom, locked myself in a stall, and the tears started and didn’t stop. I don’t think I will ever forget this day because it was the start of such a big turning point in my life. A teammate came in and talked with me and I walked back out to the track and was getting ready to do hurdles when my coach came and asked if something was bothering me and I said somethings about my Dani (I was also not being a good friend to her and was getting mad at things that I shouldn’t have been) and he said, but there’s nothing else bothering you? He then said he would cool down with me and we went to a grass field away from the track and he asked me about a personal factor in my life at the time and challenged me to think about making some changes. This showed me that he truly cared about my life far more than how fast I ran, but he could tell that this part of my life was affecting my running and my life overall as well. I wish I could say that after that cool down I never compared myself again and that everything got better right away. It didn’t, but steps were taken, and sometimes it was a half-step forward with three steps backwards.

I missed the steeple standard 2 more times and then had the conference meet where I was ready and determined to hit it. I missed it by .6 seconds or somewhere around there. Oh goodness, the frustration was immense. This meant I had one more meet to hit the standard. So, I went to the last chance meet where there were only 3 girls entered and as I made my way to the start line, I found out that I was the only one entered and the officials were asking if I still wanted to run. Yes, I had to. I ran the race alone and somehow managed to hit the standard. I raced at nationals and ran another PR in prelims, but I missed finals by only 2 places. I was happy with my performance, but then still struggled to compare myself and was battling how I was going to be happy for Dani if she made finals in the 5k the following day. That mindset was again selfish and it's sad that I was that self-consumed.